The Birds And The Bees
by Smudge93
Summary: John has made a discovery that has made him have to sit Dean down for that talk. John though might learn more than his son, more than he really wants to know! Rated M for subject matter and mild discussion of that boys' habit! Spoilers: Pre-series,
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

Poor John, it's a horrid feeling when you discover that your children are more educated in sex than you are and that they have more experience!

In the second half John's speech is in italics to make it easier to follow who's saying what! (I hope)

_The Birds and The Bees_

The boys exchanged glances, Sam in particular with a 'heard it but I don't believe it' look on his face.

"What?" John looked between the two of them.

"Sam just asked if he can go away for the day with one of his friend's parents, that you've never met, and you just agreed?" Dean's look changed to suspicion. "Should I be reaching for the holy water?"

Sam was up. "Don't care. Possessed or not….I'm outta here." He started to grab the stuff he'd need for a day down at the beach with his best friend and his family as his brother and father continued to stare at one another.

An easy grin broke over John's face. "I just thought that with Sam off out for the day, we could get a chance to talk."

Dean's look of suspicion deepened and a little fear crept in underneath it." Talk? About what?"

Sam stopped. "This should be good. What do you want to talk to him about that you'd want me out of the road for?"

John's face flushed. "Just stuff." This was a moment that he had been dreading since forever. He'd rather face down a Wendigo than do this, but, it had to be done. A little earlier than he'd thought mind.

Sam wasn't the brightest kid in his class for nothing. "Ooooh, you're gonna have _that_ talk with him."

Dean turned to his brother and then looked back to his dad, his expression horror-struck. "Really, we're good. I don't need _that _talk." He wondered if it was him or if the room had just become uncomfortably hot. He played with the collar on his t-shirt.

"Apparently….," John lifted the box that he found stashed in his son's duffle, "…..you do."

"You went through my stuff!" Dean's face colour deepened and Sam started to head for the door. Arguments were a way of life in his family, but a John and Dean argument? That was rare and usually, ugly.

"I was putting your laundry in."

"They….," Dean stood and snatched the box from his father's hand, "….weren't exactly lying on the top!"

"Teach you not to wait and wash everything you own in one go then, won't it!"

"I didn't have money for two loads!" Dean realised that he was now waving a box of condoms at his father and shoved them into his pocket. "Besides, doesn't me having these show that I don't need you to sit me down and talk about….you know?"

"If you can't say the word you shouldn't be doing the act! In fact, your fifteen you shouldn't be doing anything at all!"

There was a stony silence in the room as father and son stared at each other.

"They're probably just for show, lots of the older guys in the school have them on them." Sam tried to back his brother up. "They use them for…," Sam made a gesture with his hand which caused his father to choke. "….you know….less mess."

"Sam!" Dean rolled his eyes and hissed at him. "Not helping here."

His brother wasn't to be put off. "I know you do that, I found one in the bin in the bathroom after I dropped the toothpaste in it by accident. Totally gross by the way!" Sam shouldered his bag as he spoke realising that the time for a getaway might be fast approaching as his brother's face changed from an angry red to a fetching shade of purple.

John's stare was actually eating into Dean's skin now. "Is that why you always take the trash out _every_ morning?"

Dean's colour changed again and Sam couldn't help compare him with a chameleon, except his brother wasn't blending into the background, no matter how much he wished he could.

"Not every morning." Dean's voice was a low mutter.

"Yeah, just the ones where he uses all the hot water jerking off in the shower." Sam's mouth seemed to have forgot for the moment that he was supposed to be on his brother's side.

"Do not!" And there was the colour change again.

Sam smiled. "Yeah you do…I can hear you." He walked over and banged the wall for effect.

His brother looked like a distressed goldfish, gasping for air as his face morphed into a colour that Sam didn't even think there was a word for. Dean's ability to speak seemed to have been stolen from him by his brother's little enlightening piece of information. He wanted to die.

John turned to Sam. _"Do you want to stay for the talk too?"_

"No sir!" He quickly turned to leave but stopped with his hand on the door, giving Dean one last little look. He didn't envy his brother this talk, not with John now in a mood. Dean just gestured to the door with his head and Sam nodded, then left.

Dean gave the thought of just bolting a moment of serious consideration and then he realised that his dad would just come and hunt him down if he did. He sat on the bed and refused to meet John's eyes. "So what do you want to say to me?"

John sighed, a little of his anger deflating. Walking over he sat down next to his son and tried to think of a way to start this that wouldn't lead them straight into an argument. "What your brother said, is that what you're using these for?" He gave up a silent prayer for the answer to be yes, he'd take natural urges over natural acts any day and today in particular.

The long pause before Dean spoke told him the answer before the words did. "Not all of them."

It was as close to a confession that John was going to get. "Oh."

"They talked to us about this stuff in school you know. You don't have to do this. I'm being careful. I promise." Dean was playing with the ring on his finger, twisting it, a sure sign that he was nervous.

John stayed the movement by placing his hand over his son's. "I know, your responsible. I get that Dean, but you're only fifteen. At your age I didn't even have a girlfriend, hadn't even really kissed let alone…..you know."

"Had sex? If you can't say the word…..remember."

John smiled at that. "Well since I'm not the one that's doing the act…"

John could almost feel the heat radiating off Dean's face. They sat in silence again for a moment or two and then Dean had to ask. "You hadn't even really kissed someone at fifteen? What were you, a monk? I thought the sixties were all like, free love? Did you miss out on that somehow?"

"My parents were kinda strict. They didn't believe in sex outside of marriage and I was kinda scared of my mother." John laughed at the memory of his own father trying to give him this talk with his mother inputting into it from the kitchen.

Dean turned to him then. "Wait, so you fought in a war and yet you were too scared of your mother to get to home base with a chick?"

"You never met my mother! You think I'm bad, think Hitler compared to Attila the Hun."

Dean grinned. "Wow, worse than you, glad I didn't get to meet her." Another thought crossed his mind. "So like you and mom…." _God was he really going there?_ He had to know, now that the thought was eating at him. "You guys never like….you know….before you got married?"

John coughed down his embarrassment. "No, we never."

Dean let that sink in "Wow, but you guys did kiss and….things?" _Why are you still asking about this? _

"Yeah Dean, we kissed…..," John lent into him, "….and things." He nudged his son's shoulder gently. "Anyway, we seemed to have got off the subject slightly here, which I believe was your sexual experiences not my lack of them."

"God dad, do you have to put it like that?" Dean groaned.

"What? Ok, so let me put it this way, what chicks have you been banging?" John bit back the laugh that wanted out at his son's mortified face, reminding himself that this was a serious conversation.

"DAD!"

"You started it. So not all of the condoms in the box were used with your right hand. I want names….and ages, and unlike you they'd better all be over sixteen."

John waited.

"Heather."

_"And?"_

"She's older than sixteen."

_"And?"_

"What?"

_"She at school with you?"_

Silence.

_"Dean?"_

"No."

_"How much older than sixteen Dean?"_

"Not much."

_"Dean?"_

"Eighteen."

_"Who is she?"_

Silence.

_"Dean?"_

"Remember the waitress in the diner that was flirting with you?"

_"Dean!"_

Silence.

_"When?"_

"You sent me to get dinner the other night and I told you it had to be cooked from scratch, and that was why I was late?"

_"You lied to me?"_

"No. It's just that the diner was quiet and we had twenty minutes to spare….."

Silence.

_"Where?"_

"In the restroom stall."

John breathed in. _"Was that the first time?"_

"With her?"

_"There's been others?"_

"Two others."

Silence.

_"Times or women?"_

"Women. In this town."

_"So how many times?"_

"With her, in this town or in general?"

Silence.

John's head hurt. _"All of the above."_

Dean coughed. "Twice, three woman and I don't really know…."

Silence.

_"You don't know?"_

"A few?"

_"Define that. Ballpark figure. Ten, twenty, thirty?" _

"More than ten, not quite twenty."

Silence.

_"Times or women?"_

Dean rubbed at his neck. "Women."

_"Dean!"_

Silence.

_"Did you always use protection?"_

"Yeah."

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

_"You're right. We don't need to have this talk."_

**Chapter End Notes:**

Written purely to give myself and my friend a little laugh. Hope it gave you a laugh too. Mary xx


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Chapter Notes:**

Someone made a little comment that she'd like Sam's turn done, so this is what I came up with. Sam is sixteen in this and again there is nothing graphic in this chapter.

John asks Dean to talk to Sam and Sam has a problem that he wants to discuss with his brother......

A little laughter and a little angst too.

Birds, Bees and Brothers

Dean rolled over in his bed and stared at his brother's back. "Sam?"

There was a little sigh and a shift of position that signalled that his brother was awake.

"Can you think more quietly dude, the creaking noise from those wheels in your head, are making enough noise to waken the dead." He paused. "Hey, I'm a poet!"

Sam groaned and rolled over to face Dean. "Not a very good one, don't give up the day job." He stared over at his brother and watched as Dean rolled his eyes and pushed himself up.

"What's up Sam?"

"Nothing." He turned away again. "It's nothing, go back to sleep."

"Nope." Dean pushed himself up into a sitting position and inhaled half the room in a yawn that made his jaw crack. "Something is going on in Sammy land and until you spill, neither of us are gonna get any sleep. So….." He crossed the room and threw himself on his brother's bed, sitting up against the head board and nudging his brother over with his hip to get room to sit behind Sam's back. "….spill."

Sam gave a little embarrassed cough. "It's nothing Dean, really. I….I ….when you….oh just forget it. You'll only make fun of me. Just, get off my bed and go back to sleep."

"Wow, wait. A chance to embarrass my brother at…..", he looked at the little clock on the table between the beds, "……three in the morning. Can't pass that up." He lent over Sam's shoulder. "What is it?"

"It's nothing!"

He pushed back with his backside almost knocking Dean on the floor. Righting himself Dean pulled his brother onto his back and stared into his eyes, noting how Sam refused to met the look. "Sammy, don't throw the dog a bone and expect it not to chew, tell me or I'll bring it up at breakfast this morning and get the master inquisitor to torture it outta you."

Panic flitted in Sam's eyes. "Please don't do that…..it's really nothing. I just…I wanted to know…..you know that I like Julie Masterton?"

"Ooooh, girl trouble….something that I am very skilled in young Jedi….tell me….has she refused to put out and you are looking for the knowledge of how to charm your way into her pants?" Dean tickled his brother and snorted as Sam hit him.

"Why'd I think that I could talk to you about this? You're an ass, do you know that? Just go back to bed." Sam tried to pull the covers over his head but his brother was sitting on them.

"Really? That's what this is about?" Dean could feel himself start to colour and was glad when Sam rolled over again, onto his side, away from him. He couldn't resist just one more prod though. "So you wanting me to ask Dad to give you _the_ talk? About time too, I mean your sixteen already little brother and this is the first time you've shown any interest in a girl, I was beginning to worry that it was more than just your shirts that were in the closet."

Sam turned and punched him, hard, on the arm.

"Ow, stop it with the girly punches. You gotta admit, you spend more time hanging out with guys than girls….."

"……just 'cos you're a manwhore." Sam felt his brother tense.

"Fine Sammy. Enjoy getting your face slapped. G'night." There was a hurt tone in his voice that Sam hadn't meant to put there.

He grabbed Dean's arm as he stood to go back to his own bed.

"."

He watched his brother trying to make sense of his ramble. "That's what condoms are for Sam, so that you don't make a mess of it" Dean sat back down but kept his back to his brother.

"I didn't mean _that._" Sam wasn't sure but he thought that his brother was grinning. "What?"

Dean turned. "It's her that's making the first move?" He raised an eyebrow.

Sam blushed and nodded.

"Kid, she's gonna eat you alive, but it'll be a fun way to die. I'll send flowers."

Sam punched him again and then watched as Dean manouvered himself back into a sitting position against the headboard. "So, what is it that you want to know? Need me to draw you a diagram of what goes where?"

The response to that was a huge huff. "Jerk! It not the logistics that I have the problem with. I know what you do, thank you very much." Sam squirmed up the bed to sit side by side with his brother. "I….well you know…..if you could just….." He didn't know how to start this conversation.

"You realise that you're gonna have to be more articulate than this when your talking to her or she'll be asleep before you even get started."

Sam huffed loudly again and went to get out the bed. "You know what, just forget it. I'm gonna tell her I don't wanna."

Catching his brother's arm Dean hauled him back beside him. "Oh no you don't. You're gonna have to do this sometime Sam." There was a little pause before he spoke again. "It's better if you do it with someone that you actually like."

"Do you think that there's a opening for a monk anywhere?" Sam groaned and closed his eyes, leaning back against his brother again.

Dean laughed a little half-laugh then he turned, eyes serious. "Are you sure that you really want to do this? Do you really like this girl?"

"Yes and yes. I'm scared that if I don't she'll lose interest and that if I do and screw it up she'll laugh at me. I don't want her to go find someone else….I really do like her."

Dean bit back the chuckle. "You really are a girl, d'you know that?"

Sam pushed him. "If you're not gonna help, go away."

"I'll help. Think of me as an enclopedia, just ask and I'll have the answer."

Sam rolled his eyes at that. "Dean, the sex oracle, aren't I lucky to have 'Mr. Can't Keep It In His Pants' for a brother."

"Again, thanks for that." Dean crossed his arms. "I get you're embarrass by all this but can you not diss my lifestyle choices just 'cos you can't make any of your own?"

"Sorry." They sat in silence for a moment before Sam spoke again. "What was it like? You know….the first time? Who'd you do it with? How old was she? Had she…you know….before? Where'd you do it? How old were you when you……you know?"

"Lots of questions there Sammy and the words you are looking for there is had sex….you know." Dean laughed and then grew quiet, obviously lost in his own thoughts. Finally he spoke. "Let's start with the easiest one first. It was the week before my fifteenth birthday."

"You did it at Bobby's!? And you were fourteen!?" Sam turned, shock on his face.

"Can you keep your voice down, Dad is right in the next room here Sammy." They listened and then relaxed as the sound of John's snoring filtered through from the room next door. Dean continued. "Not _at_ Bobby's! Do you remember Brian Grant?"

"Yeah? Is this _you_ coming outta the closet?" Sam grinned.

"Smart ass." Dean dug an elbow into his brother's ribs. "He was having a party that night, I snuck out to go."

"You snuck out on Bobby? Man you're braver…and smarter….than I give you credit for."

"Thanks. I think! Do you remember Brian's sister, Rebecca?"

A grin passed Sam's lips. "Yeah. Now she was….wait….._she was your first time_?"

Dean shifted awkwardly on the bed. "Yeah."

"But she was like nineteen or twenty. How did you get her to do that?"

"Brian was two years above me in school, we were friends, she just thought that I was the same age as her brother." He paused. "We might've been a little drunk as well."

"So?"

"So what?"

Sam let out a huff. "What was it like?"

Dean shrugged. "It was alright. I was drunk and she was hot and well….let's just say it wasn't the best sex that I've ever had, I doubt she though much of it either."

"Why would you say that?" Sam was worried, if Dean had screwed up his first time then there was probably no chance for him to get it right.

"I…." Dean's face flushed. "I can't believe that I'm telling you this. I didn't exactly last long. We got to the main event but it was all over kinda fast. And she was really nice to me afterwards, which, I've learnt since,…..not a good sign. If the girl can still talk, you ain't done it right. Then Brian walked in on us dressing and told her how old I was. She wasn't so nice after that, even hit me a coupla times."

"Why'd he do that, wasn't that kinda mean for someone who's supposed to be your friend?"

Dean smiled at that. "Dude, he almost walked in on me banging his sister on his parent's bed, you're the one that's suppose to be bright, why'd you think he told her? I'm lucky he never decked me. He never spoke to me again after that, can't say I blame him."

"Did you like her?"

"Sam, I'd only spoken to her three times before that.....like didn't really come in to it."

"So why'd you do it then?" Sam sounded confused and Dean couldn't keep the snort of amusement in this time.

"My sweet, naïve, little brother. Never change Sam." Sam squirmed and let out a muffled 'gerroffme' as Dean hugged him to him and kissed his head. "Lust Sam. She was flirting with me, we kissed and well…like I said, it kinda escalated quickly from there. I was a horny teenager and she offered it to me, who….apart from you….would say no to that?" A little smile crossed Dean's face as he thought back. "Damn but she was hot, wouldn't mind a crack at her now….if she's still hot that is…..wonder if they still live up that way? Might have to go check next time we're up visiting Bobby."

"Earth to Dean?"

Dean realised that he was still hugging his brother and quickly let go. "Sorry. What was I saying…oh yeah….so my first time, not so good."

"So what would you have done to make it better?" Sam had his research mode switched on.

"God. There's a question. Waited? Went slower? We kinda missed out the good part, went from 1st base all the way to the home run without even touching 2nd and 3rd, and they're really nice places to stop and rest a while."

"Why? What do you do there?"

Dean was embarrassed now, this conversation now more focused on him than he would have liked and he really wanted to tell Sam that finding these things out for yourself was half the fun but he knew that his boy scout brother would worry himself sick if he didn't have some kinda game plan to follow.

That's when the idea struck him.

"Ok, tomorrow's Saturday and Dad kind asked me to talk to you about this stuff anyway, so, I'll tell him that's what we're gonna do and then I've got some place that I want to show you. We'll get you loosened up a little so that it not such a big deal when you go to make your move."

"You are not taking me to a whore house!"

"No, and again, can you keep your voice down!" Dean listened again for noise from next door. "Dude, you'll enjoy it I promise and you'll keep your virgin status intact for your girl, well mostly."

With that Dean fended off anymore questions with a hand and then threw himself back into his own bed. "Now get some sleep, you've got a big night ahead of you!"

Sam groaned and lay back. At least the conversation had taken his mind off sex, now he would more worried what his brother had planned.

---

They'd tried to sneak in at one in the morning but with John for a father Dean had known that it would be almost all but impossible. They had though nearly made it, John was asleep on the couch, until Sam let the motel room door slip through his fingers and slam shut. Dean's face told him that his brother was going to make him pay for it later.

John took one look at both of them, sent Sam to their room and hauled his eldest down onto the couch by his collar. "You both stink of booze, smoke and cheap perfume. I want to know where you took him?"

Dean though about lying for all of one minute and then decided that he would be better just getting it over with. When he'd finished John exploded.

"I asked you to have a talk with him!" Sam flinched as something hit the wall on its living room side and cause the picture on his side to fall off.

He knew that he should go out and back up his brother, laugh off tonight as just Dean being Dean but he was scared that it would just be him getting added to the fight. John and him fought like cat and dog at the best of times and this…was definitely not the best of times.

He moved to behind the door trying to listen in, hoping that his father would just run out of steam, that Dean wouldn't smart mouth him back.

His hopes were dashed quickly.

"I did have a talk with him!" Dean's voice was raised but it still held that deferential tone that Sam just couldn't manage.

John's roar however was not deferential in the least. "No, what you did wasn't talking Dean, it was more like a damn show and tell!"

"You asked me to handle it so I handled it!" Dean was getting riled now.

"Its more what your let _your_ brother handle that's worrying me!" Sam knew that tone and the face that probably went with it, John was one step from going nuclear, one push from losing it completely. Still the words brought a smile to Sam's face. He really did have the coolest big brother on the planet.

"I was with him the whole time!"

"That doesn't make me feel in the slightest bit better. How'd you get him in anyway? He's only sixteen for Christ sakes!" There was a pause and Sam not for the first time wished his brother would just lie to his Dad, the way he did with other people. He didn't.

"I dressed him up as a Feebie, he's tall and they never look at the face, only the ID…"

"Where did you get the suit?" John's growl was lower and more menacing.

"We kinda borrowed your suit." Dean was backing away, his voice fainter now.

"You what?!" Sam put his hand on the door knob ready to rescue his brother from tornado alley.

"It wasn't what you think!"

"So you didn't take your sixteen year old brother, dressed as an FBI agent no less, to a strip club and let some unknown female writhe on his lap…..WHILE HE WAS WEARING MY BLOODY SUIT?!"

"Well when you put it like that….."

"What other way is there to put it! I asked you to speak to him, to help me out by giving him _the _talk, not to go and let him stuff dollars in some stripper's G-string! You bought him a lap dance Dean, which you are paying me back for. And your getting my suit cleaned! What the hell were you thinking?"

Sam heard the couch in the living room creaked and knew that John had finally popped his pressure value and that the steam would clear pretty quickly now. "He's only sixteen Dean." Sam knew that his father was now sitting with his head resting in his hands.

"By his age I'd slept with more than a few women." Dean was obviously now sitting down next to his Dad, probably with a guilt ridden expression on his face.

"That's why I asked you to sit down and explain it to him Dean, so that he wouldn't…." John didn't finish the sentence.

Sam cringed at his father's words.

"So that he wouldn't what? Make the same mistakes that I did?" Dean stood and headed for the bedroom.

"Dean I didn't mean that." John didn't try to follow.

Stopping at the door Dean turned. "It's ok, I get it. One of your sons is a total screw up, an embarrassment to you and you don't want your other one to end up the same. If that was the case, you should have just spoken to him yourself. It's just sex Dad, I was just trying to show him that it isn't really the big deal that both you and him seem to think. Maybe that's what's wrong, maybe if you got out there and got some you wouldn't be on my case all the time about it. What is it, you jealous?" Not waiting for an answer Dean went into the bedroom and slammed his way into the bathroom.

John groaned and lay back on the couch. He'd talk to Dean tomorrow, once they'd all had a chance to calm down. His son was right after all, he had asked him to handle things. John mulled over the fact that hindsight was a wonderful thing.

---

Sam moved over to the door and called his brother's name. "Dean?"

"I'm fine Sammy, just go to bed."

"I would but I kinda need into where you are before I do."

The door opened and Dean just stood there. "You'd have fun tonight?"

"Yeah, it was cool. I mean how many other sixteen year olds have a brother that not only can get them into a strip joint but pays for a lap dance with a stripper for them?"

"Yeah, 'cos Dad is so proud of me." Dean smirked. "You being four hundred feet tall helps even if you did look kinda odd in Dad's suit. Now get in, get washed and get to bed. It's your big date with Julie tomorrow night….", he looked at his watch, "…..or should that be tonight."

Sam hesitated. "Maybe I shouldn't, Dad'll go mad if he finds out."

Grabbing him by the shoulders Dean glared at him. "Oh no. If you think I just went through getting my ass handed to me by Dad for you to chicken out now you are gravely mistaken little brother. I'll handle Dad you just worry about handling Julie!"

He smirked and Sam punched him, playfully this time, on the shoulder. "You're such a jerk."

Sam slipped round him into the bathroom.

"Better than being a bitch Sammy."

---

Dean was pacing. Dad was scouting a hunt and was due back any minute and Sam was late back from his big date. Worry filled him.

He had given Sam some alcohol, what if he'd been caught with it?

What if something had happened to him on the way home?

What if she'd said or done something to Sam and he'd just wandered off upset?

What if they'd been caught?

"I'm a dead man." He looked at his watch again. "Come on Sammy, where are you?"

His move up to fully fledged panic was cut short by his brother finally arriving back, throwing open the door and falling into the room. Dean didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Instead he settled for helping Sam up.

"You reek of sex and booze, get in there and get washed before Dad notices and I get killed for lying to him." He dragged his dazed looking brother into the bedroom and then sat him down on the toilet in the small bathroom that they shared. Kneeling down he pulled Sam's boots off and grinned up at him. "Well?"

Sam gave Dean the happiest, lopsided grin that his brother thought he'd every seen and then he lent down to him, speaking in a staged whisper that was just a little too loud. "We did it……._twice_……and it was….it…..she was…..wow."

"So the earth moved did it?" Dean laughed softly.

Sam nodded.

"You gonna see her again?" Dean hoped his brother remembered that they were moving on in a few weeks. That was the part to all this that Dean had learned to live with but Sam he knew was wired differently. He made friends, got attached. Perhaps that was another lesson that he'd have to teach his brother. Only later. Not now, not when things had obviously went so well for Sam.

"Oh yeah. Her parents are back in town tomorrow though so I don't know where we'd go …..," he whispered right into his brother's ear this time, "…..to have sex."

Dean grinned and pushed his brother back into an upright position. "I do. Dad and I are going on a hunt tomorrow, just a basic salt and burn but I can delay him on the way back if you want a little time here?"

Sam's eyes lit up and he hugged Dean to him. "You are the best big brother ever!"

"Yeah, until the next time I piss you off. Now get washed, brush your damn teeth, and try and get rid of the smell of beer." He stood and walked out, closing the door and leaned on it for a moment, listening as his brother started to whistle happily and the water went on.

Knocking the door gently he pushed himself off it, a smile playing on his own lips.

"That's my boy."

**Chapter End Notes:**

That really is all this time! Mary xx


End file.
